Listening to each other is harder than we think. We know we should do it; we know we’re not great at it; and we don’t learn how on purpose.
In the spiritual accompaniment training with Still Harbor, I was recently introduced to OARS, a helpful acrostic framework of active listening and compassionate communication called Motivational Interviewing, a counseling practice. But we don’t have to be counselors to use this tool, and it already feels like a game-changer in my person life and ministry.
O is for “Open-ended Questions.” These are simply questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no, and open up conversations and stories wherever your conversation partner wants to lead. Some examples are:
“What did you think about this?” “Who has been with you through this time?” “What are you hoping for?” “Tell me more about this…”
A is for “Affirming.” We often skip ahead to what we’d like to say, how we think or are correct, but it is an act of listening love to honor the courage of our conversation partner in sharing and showing up. Use your body language to show openness and affirmation, don’t interrupt, thank people for what they are sharing.
R is for “Reflective listening,” which is a way of reflecting back to folks what you hear them say. This might feel a little silly, but we know some of the biggest miscommunications can happen between what we have said and what someone heard. By saying back, “I hear you saying _________” or even asking, “Are you feeling this way?” we help each other feel heard, seen, and honored, and we also make sure we are hearing the most important parts.
S is for “Summarizing,” which is the fuller version of reflecting, and takes a lot of our attention and willingness to help others weave their stories and thoughts together. Reflect back what you heard, then summarize it. It is a powerful experience to hear someone tell us back our story (no matter how small). It can be as simple as, “Wow, from this morning’s traffic jam, to that bad meeting you were having such a hard day, but then you had that beautiful moment with your friend on the phone!” We tell each other back the stories of our lives to honor that they matter.
This framework of listening is miraculous only in the most ordinary sense. It is a small infusion of grace to offer each other deep listening and care, but this ministry of peace begins with us!